september 23 etc
A friend of mine is going through something right now and I don't know how to help her but she and I used to have a pretty decent correspondence and she's a devotee of the written word and random thoughts that may be valuable so I sent her an off-the-dome piece of writing riffing on something she had written me about a dream she'd had. The thrust of it was mentioning the two-or-so-year long fascination I had with lucid dreaming when I was in my early 20s.
I liked some of it so I decided to riff further. Here. For you.
(Deep breath in...)
When I was in my 20s I wanted to learn how to wake up in my dreams. I didn't know why but of course I did. I just didn't know that I knew. I was a young man who didn't understand what who he actually was and what he actually wanted but the idea that I could be in control of a set of circumstances was wildly attractive to the point of being emotionally overwhelming. Like, the very idea that there was a milieu or locale in which I could be in control, which is to say the decider and not the decided upon, was exhilarating.
I'm hitting the metaphor extra hard here so that you can understand how embarrassing it is that I completely I missed the point back then. I could blame it on the booze or the school stress or one of a hundred other things, but in truth the reason I missed the very, very obvious point is because young people are dumb as hell and don't really know anything about anything. Yes, even you.
One of the unique things about me is my memory. I don't think it's the "unique" people say when they mean singular, and it's not the "unique" people say when the mean special (in a good way). The way I remember things is very different from the way most people I know remember things, by which I mean my memory is unique the way people say "unique" when they mean "bro you are fucking unsettling."
I remember so many details about basically every encounter I have that the very idea that other people don't do this (or can't do this) didn't make sense to me for a long time. I legitimately thought they were lying, and that they really did remember things the way I remembered things but pretended they didn't because I wasn't Worthy enough to Know them that way.
Imagine what this kind of thing does to when you're young and just trying to figure yourself out. Imagine you go do xyz with someone, let's call them Joe.
Joe remembers xyz, and when y'all talk about xyz Joe says xyz xyz xyz!
In response, you say all of the letters of the alphabet including xyz. You are trying to relate to Joe, but Joe now sees you as an alien.
He's talking about when y'all went to see Franz Ferdinand and you're talking about how something that happened that night which you filed away and upon trying to locate that thing in your head, you started thinking about something else that got you thinking about something else which, when filtered into coherent thought articulated by a somewhat coherent mouth, turns into a long, deep conversation about the mutability of identity. It makes sense to you but to Joe it looks like endless Alphaghetti is pouring out of a jagged wound in your face.
Your buddy just wanted to talk about when they played "Take Me Out" during the encore, and you're like, yeah, Joe, I get it, great song, but don't you spend at least an hour a day wondering what people will say at your funeral? Do you think about how thrift store finds carry some memories inside their threads that maybe we can unlock if we build a powerful enough microscope? Don't you think it's weird that "Take Me Out" is supposedly based on Alex Kapranos writing about the similarities between romantic entanglements and the one-on-one battle between snipers Vassily Zaitsev (Jude Law) and Erwin Kƶnig (Ed Harris) in Enemy at the Gates when it's plainly obvious it's really about the class dynamics in The Talented Mr. Ripley?
I think I learned something wrong when I was a kid and never corrected it as an adult. I don't choose to remember things, I just do. But, also, I can almost always recall a lot of details about pretty much anything whenever I want, and do so regularly instead of, say, doing the job I am paid to do or listening to bad dialogue in bad films I am not interested in remembering at all (but will). This low-level superpower is almost entirely useless because I am 47 and don't sit for exams anymore and, also, if you win at bar trivia too often people don't think you're smart and cool, they think you're a jerk who is probably cheating.
I think I file memories away in order of their emotional intensity. To be clear, I'm not talking about the kind of memory that gets saved to your hard drive when you hurt yourself and need to remember how not to do that again.
Like, this isn't a
stove hot
touch stove
burn hand
learn lesson via pain
thing.
This is something closer to a
this thing is beautiful or awful
either way it is scarring you
but, also, you need to remember every detail
so that you can recreate the narrative
or can reprocess the memory
because you may have to
or might want to
someday
because maybe there is something meaningful about this moment
beyond what you think
but you're too young
and probably kind of drunk
to know what
but maybe someday you will know
and maybe someday knowing will be useful
also your worth is based in your utility
and maybe being useful will help stop you from being so embarrassing
thing.
When people talk about someone having a "good" memory what they're saying is that person can both remember and recall things. When I talk about having a "good" memory, I am explaining that I am cursed. It is not a good thing to be able to feel the reverberations and aftershocks of almost everything that ever happened endlessly forever because after a while of knowing āā like, truly knowing āā that you can pretty much recall everything, as it happened, in eye-burning Technicolor, you start chasing the best memories without realizing that there is a law of diminishing returns and also if you don't stop doing that shit you will eventually fall off a cliff like those Pokemon Go players in 2016 because chasing anything is inherently unhealthy.
Still, memory lets you build context.
And understanding the context of everything is the key to not taking anything too personally or seriously.
And I only realized that last part about five minutes ago because I am dumb as hell and don't really know anything about anything.
On y va!
šµšµ I was never a big Cold War Kids guy, but a few years ago this track of theirs became essential to my life for some reason. (Spotify)
šµšµ At this point it'd be weird if I didn't include some Franz Ferdinand, so I won't be weird for once in my life. Here's a song off their 2025 record The Human Fear. (Bandcamp)
š„š„ "Life will humble you. And our shame-ruled culture will tempt you to escape from reality however you can. Nothing is easy and itās never over. Just remember that when someone sounds like theyāve finally got it all figured out, thatās how you know theyāre standing at the starting line, wondering which way to run next." That's from this response over at Ask Polly, written by Heather Havrilesky. I have linked to Havrilesky before (see here, and here) and will do it again as she is one of my favourite writers and, moreover, I think most everyone can find something valuable in her work. (Ask Polly)
š·šŗšŗšø Speaking of great writing, this piece M. Gessen wrote for the Times (it's a gift link, no paywall) stopped me in my tracks with its exquisite pacing and undeniable power. I'd go so far as to say that it's a must-read for Americans living through the current moment. (NYT)
š¦š¦ Click here for important knowledge that definitely won't haunt you. (Instagram/clickhole)
š“š“ Click here for important knowledge that definitely shouldn't arouse you āā but might. (Twitter/horseimage)
šµš„ POP Montreal starts tomorrow and my old colleagues at Cult have put together a preview for you. (Cult MTL)
š² gonna
š¼ go
š± touch
š³ grass
š· now
Be good to yourself.
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