may 4 rko
And then sometimes you are nowhere even though you want so badly to be somewhere. When the universe says no, it says no, but it really feels like it's saying that you don't deserve it, or someone deserves it more, or that you had to take a number and you didn't, or whatever else. And you take it in stride, you say they can't all be sunny days, that can't always win, that you can't always sleep the sleep of the just, but it still feels like something is going on behind the scenes or below the surface or between the bars. Something insidious. Something wrong. Something that no one else can see but that you know is there. So you scan. You check your devices for bugs, you listen for echoes on the phone line, you peel the addressee stickers off your packages before you toss the cardboard out. You eye everyone suspiciously. You stop recognizing yourself in the mirror. You don't eat and you can't sleep. And then you close your eyes and click your heels because this is not your beautiful house, that is not your beautiful wife, and you are not standing waist-deep in your beautiful life, but, rather, sitting on the flat part of some jagged rocks near Rouge Beach in Scarborough, smoking a cigarette with your friend Mike. He picked you up again because your dad threw you out again. It's nighttime in the late 1990s, and the cigarette cherries glow orange like jack-o-lanterns. The nearby train tracks take commuters to and from the big city, and travelers from Toronto to Montreal and vice versa. On the north side of those tracks, tiger lilies grow. You know because you used to pick them for your mom even though the trains scared you. You were a good kid. A sad kid, but a good kid nonetheless.
Choons:
🎵🎵 Echo & the Bunnymen, "The Killing Moon"
🎵🎵 Patsy Cline, "Crazy"
🎵🎵 Stone Temple Pilots, "Tripping On A Hole In A Paper Heart"
🌲 gonna
🌼 go
🌱 touch watch
🌳 grass hoop
🌷 now
Be good to yourself.
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