june 5 mfj
There was a doctor, but he couldn’t see her. Her voice came from behind him. It was nice but very clinical. She wanted to be taken seriously and enunciated like it. He had a tendency to mumble, so he understood. She asked him to name five blue things he could see.
“One: that kid’s backpack, the one with the cartoon whale on it. Two: the garbage truck that’s driving by. Three: the jean jacket on the coat rack. Four: your iPhone case.”
Panic. Dread. A silence so loud he wanted to stab his eardrums with the ballpoint on the table.
“Five: Uh, uh, uh.”
That’s only four.
That’s only four.
That’s only four.
That’s only four.
That’s only four.
“Five! Uhhhhhhhhh.”
Five!
Find it now!
Find it now!
Find it now!
Find it now!
Find it right fucking now you useless fuck!
But he couldn’t. And then the doctor was standing in front of him. She was holding a handgun. She was raising the handgun. She was pointing it at his face. Because now Kenny had to die.
Kenny shot up in bed. He didn’t scream but he could hear himself screaming in his head all the same. It was 2:13am and he was covered in a cold sweat that made his skin feel tacky. He didn’t know if he was having an anxiety attack or if he was dreaming he was having an anxiety attack, but when you wake up because your therapist is pointing a gun at your head, what’s the difference.
Getting up at 2:13am meant taking a piss at 2:14am and then wandering to the kitchen at 2:16am and opening the fridge to look for a snack.
Getting up at 2:13am because of an anxiety dream meant opening the freezer at 2:14am and staring at the vodka bottle in the back for a few minutes. He hadn’t touched the bottle in a decade. It was a totem, but it was also an actual bottle of vodka. And a decade is both a long time and not a long time.
--
I've been working on a new story, little by little, every other night or so. I plan on doing a lot more work on it this weekend, but I am pushing part of it out into the world because after I do, I can't pretend I didn't. Ain't broken brains fun?
🌲 gonna
🌼 go
🌱 touch
🌳 grass pillow
🌷 now
Be good to yourself.
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